unkind words

glowing in the dark 

the words imagined are the ones that hurt the most 

the words your own abis feeds you with

when you think nobody is looking 

coming from a place of invisible structure.

fantasy

finally I take a turn towards normality 

finally I overcome something that kept me still, kept me waiting

finally I start to let go 

of a fantasy I cared deeply about

but still a fantasy in itself. 

nothing else to say

my tremble hands 

my tremble voice  

my mind is telling me 

I need to say goodbye. 

tension

tension i need to depose

tension stuck in my chest

tension that intensifies in your pressence

physical tension I am not used to as my mind is my hardest worked muscle. 

 

 

nothingness

nothingness I know from long time youngest love

nothingness shared on a bench in Cismigiu 

nothingness that seemed at one point something 

lost nothingness. 

misinterpreted

my thoughts are rebels in an empire well guarded. 

Action is the only one that surrenders lack of being.  

Misinterpreted interest. Misunderstood. Nothingness I fell for.

river

If my imagination would be a river 

I would swim in it and somedays I would draw a finish line. 

A fish would glow inside and would travel so far that my imagination would need to stretch to catch it. 

A little rainbow would hug the river 

And I would know my imagination gives too much to too little. 

never rushed

missing our partnership 

missing your thoughts expressed quick

as if it is a buzzer to the thoughts behind, because actually there is always a conclusion, never rushed. Always thought about. Never by coincidence. 

hopes

I used to dance all night and drink juice and play ping pong and laugh and feel the beginings so near to my heart. 

I used to be always smiling and always present. 

I used to take one sip of wine and feel anxious.

I used to dance from my core, not on any rhythm known to man or ape, but to a rhythm I felt in my heart. 

Close to a door I sometimes open to let my hopes out in the sun. 

woman's heart

I touch the sun and the sun wrinkles a little bit 

my heart is near this sun that rest on waves that never move more than I do. 

the waves I love, from the seaside, from the blue and the green and another blue sky. 

When my life will end I will take a moment to think of my sea and of my sun on top of snow hills. 

When my life will end I will have no regrets. 

I am true to myself, even in harder times. 

Many times this honesty does not help me. I would prefer to be sofisticated, but I am not. I would prefer to have the voice of a soprano, but for sure will never happen. I would prefer to take less to muy heart and more to my mind.

Sometimes I manage, sometimes my blue and red heart is too excited and sometimes it is too much of a woman's heart. 

Sun and wild side

Strawberry yoghurt with pieces of fruit that smell like wild flowers in spring. 

Daisies and wild roses that live a static life of beauty and grace. I never envy flowers. I never wanted to be one. I prefer to be a motorbike or a submarine or the sun somedays, when it is winter and it has the courage to glow enough to make his presence felt.  

The sun on my skin, touching the waves of my heart. Feeling the wild side, I always try to hide. 

free

I let my thoughts free 

I let this control bee 

I let my life unfold

And I will do as much

as I can 

not to act 

not to expect 

not to portray

talking

I would talk to you, but you never seem  

to want to. 

I would contradict you

but maybe only to make it fun,

and I would seize it with a smile. 

Nothing seems to be normal anymore. 

undomesticated thoughts

a train that never stops

my thoughts that run away like an wild horse 

no way to keep them near 

no way to domesticate them 

discipline I am told it is the way,

for my actions, 

not for my thoughts. 

my thoughts run to you, still. 

rayo de luz

mi pequeno rayo del sol 

que me sonria cada mañana 

y que me dice con su carita llena de luz

aun hoy te amo mas

mama. 

mi pequeno rayo de luz que me hace ser cada dia sin mascas, sin pecados y sin regretos. 

mi pequenito rayo del amor de madre que me da coraje para ser un poco mejor, cada dia. 

distilled imagination

distilled imagination like an whiskey packed in a tetratop box 

living inside for too long

forgeting about the important things

to be fully present in day to day

distilled imagination that needs pouring in writings that will never change the status quo 

and maybe it never should. 

patterns

Colored patterns the aztecs left

my mind when they started to build 

a space of solitude and of pray. 

deep cooked feelings

feelings that will deep dive in a frying pan and at one point will disappear.

feelings that I don't regret, but that give me that uncertainty, that specific uncertainty not for what I know, or who I am, but for what is linked with you. 

feelings that at one point will most probably dissappear under the ashes of desire.

feelings that mostdays I have trouble with accepting and owning 

feelings that one day will be a mark left inside, part of that transformation of my soul to a new phase of existence. 

feelings I renounce almost every day, but they don't leave me. 

feelings that will leave me when it is time, maybe without sensing at first, but slowly.

 

feelings slowly cooked in a pan of curiosity and of desire

batista

O batista care sa stearga toate formele, toate preturile, toate etichetele si toate starile.  O batista care sa impinga toate evantaiele din lume catre centrul pamantului unde gandurile mele alearga care incotro, cu o revolta, cu o senzatie de lipsa catre un vulcan miscator. 

7 minutes

many times I wonder why I need it those 7 minutes? 

why I need it to share a such unshakeable truth, that does not leave room for a question mark? Or for a walk, 

or to my surprise does not leave room for pressence, for nothing else then this 7 minutes. 

But then I remembered

my lack of focus, lack of concentration, lack of sleep, lack of me. 

morning conversation

missing

morning conversations

where your tone of voice 

seemed to rule the world 

seemed to make it better 

more structured and more clear 

missing 

the determination I felt in your voice

the way I always wanted to end the conversation, sooner than I would have need it 

because my heart became too anxious 

missing the anticipation of your calls 

with no other expectations than that to hear your thoughts. Not clearly but how you build them like lego towers made me smile as I knew, I sensed it is rare for you to share. 

missing the way I used to wake up 

first to see my kids, my family is fine.

second to see when and where 9 or almost 9 will catch me.  

image

Tired of all that is said but untrue and pretended and just image portrayed as reality.  Tired. 

lack of judgement

my lack of judgement 

sometimes is extreme 

I don't know where it comes from. 

It comes from emotion, most probably. 

That I will never regret. 

So accepting lack of judgement some days.

naiva

sunt un om naiv

am incredere in oameni

la o intrebare directa o sa raspund mereu 

sincer. Mai ales daca tin la omul din fata mea. 

Chiar daca e o intrebare personala. 

Sunt un om naiv, caci gasesc frumusete in fiecare zi si in fiecare om. 

Silence and machine learning

Silence of the gods 

in an apocalyptic future where machinery and machine learning will ensure a hybrid survival 

The stakes are so high that pretending that nothing but yoghurt or milk exists is the most natural thing to do. 

winery

one day you left in a carousel

and it was raining so hard that the sky become yellow, and the stars were hidden behind the curtains of ice and smoke. 

left for a winery not so far away 

in a carriage filled with people that admire you and most probably some days don't like you. As it is normal. 

 

that night the sky reunited with the God of Thunder. And they danced and sang all night. And my thought was with you. To return well, for you need to be as you are. 

mixed

Controversial feelings. 

Of wanting to be closer, maybe closest and of wanting to not desire anything of sorts. 

Looking to avoid and missing you, when not around. 

stairs

stairs that lead nowhere 

infinite stairs of no infinite evolution 

as it is always the case to go round and round in staircases that have similar traits as you have an infinite labyrinth which exits that have an entrance in the middle of the labyrinth.

Stairs with no consensus, no consequence and no way to finish. 

strained

strained in a personal history 

strained milk that becomes strained yoghurt that gets to be more than simple fermented cultures 

strained in an island of milk and strained people I started to care about. 

maybe

mistakes I have made 

maybe because I sensed where we were going. Silent, but vocal. Intrinsic. 

maybe, most probably I would have enjoyed. but you would have never got to know me, 

not really. Maybe. Will never know. 

nuanced

it seems you can not stand to be close enough to touch my shoulder 

or to look me longer in the eyes

but my feelings, my intuition says something completely different, almost opposite. 

in the end does not matter what it feels like, most probably it is my infinite nuanced imagination. 

pisica rupta in 2

Sa rupem pisica in doua, 

ca intr-un film cu Raskapur si surd si mut. 

in care universul de iaurt se prelinge intr-o stare nici drinkable, nici spoonable. 

in care as rupe si totusi imi e teama sa o rup.  

Space

Space seems better between us. 

Space to grow

Space to make mistakes

Space to explore 

Space to overcome or to become, 

new space to be. 

Space to run to other discussions

Space to occupy 

Space to find each other somewhere

Space for uncertainty 

Space to be vulnerable or to say sorry 

Space that seems uncomfortable

Space to create and to dismiss 

Space even for emoticons

Space that may never be, and that is ok. 

needs

I need to care less. I need to take one or more steps back. I need to let go. 

it seems I can not.

Soft dancing feet

Dancing in a room filled with people 

Looking for your eyes and never finding them. 

Never looking too close. 

As I feel you need distance. As I feel you need to keep away. 

As I need to keep away, but my feet are soft and have a life of their own, when dancing. 

And your leaving without saying goodbye, made my feet dance forever and my eyes red. 

little people of my own

close encounter with making little people become, overcome big emotions, making them feel and understand what and why they seem to feel what they feel. A lot of anger is involved. More than I would like. 

change

Change of pase 

change of attitude 

change i am afraid of

as I like your voice 

your presence 

your almost always lack of modesty 

your determination

your mind and even the way you get slightly annoyed. 

the way you take a point (a criticism) and you make it into a tennis ball that hits hard the "initial" argument. 

the way you are around me, without masks. 

I like your reality. 

Change I am afraid of. As I like your pressence and your voice and it is something that easily disappears, leaving space only for soulless emoticons. 

your king

Trust is the softest piece of the puzzle 

And I trust you as I would have known you forever. I know your trust comes late. Comes with a comitment and comes as the most important gift, as it is the case for my trust as well - I got your back. I may not agree. I may get annoyed, but when you need me, I always close the bridge of trust. Your king is my king. 

Lied to 

I don't do. Even professionaly. 

false pretenses and false words 

breach of trust, can not make peace with. 

Trust is given in layers. My first layer is my skin. Need to save it from explosion. 

2 inches

Direct and unapologetical conversations that I prefer always to absence or to keeping thoughts back. 

I already know you are 2 inches smarter, but only 2, in a good day. Sometimes you lack tact and good will, when you are comfortable enough. Because you know you are right. And I know you are. And this annoys me. Challenges me. Makes me want to get better somehow- 2 inches better, 2 inches too late. 

Calatorii in pragul diminetii

In Pragul diminetii, m-as preface intr-o pasare sa zbor spre linia infinitului, care ma cheama. Ghinion ca nu imi plac pasarile. Sunt prea aerodinamice pentru gustul meu, imperfect si verde. 

In Pragul diminetii mi-as lua ski-urile si mi-as da drumul de pe un deal al tineretii, sa traiesc fiorul nebun al adrenalinei contextuale. 

In pragul diminetii m-as reduce la un vanticel tomnatic si as zburda pe strazile laturalnice ale celui mai rau famat cartier si as cauta o fetita cu parul tuns scurt pe o bicicleta, mult mai mare decat ea, dar mandra posesoare de vehicul de copii mari. As prinde un viraj la dreapta si as zdruncina'o putin. Iar ea ar rade. 

Si rasul ala l-as recupera si pastra in pragul diminetii. 

La feminin

In par imi port cuvintele ca pe niste stele  aurii.

nestatornice suvite blonde se impletesc cu iarba sub care cresc stelutele din spatele caii lactee. 

Stele de toate formele si de toate culorile imi danseaza la radacini, un dans al femininului, un dans din buric, folosindu-se de un buric de imprumut, un buric cazut la nasterea universului fix din centrul pamantului. 

Big Bang. 

Sau miscarea din maini a unui Dumnezeu absent. 

acceptance

swored in to a life together

best in parenthood 

lacking to see each other

growing apart

 I get to fill this room with presence and for now this is acceptable. 

acceptance is the only way to go on for a while. 

connection

Unexplained and unexpected my soul is linked to yours, a monologue that 

senses a closeness I need to surrender to and to keep away from.  

Recognize the lights, the gentleness, the fire and the tough edges, the power, the guidance, the softness, and sometimes the tremble of your soul. 

As something I have always known. And I am vulnerable. 

Vulnerable enough to give space to my soul to burn if it needs burning, to ignite, to light my world with fire for no finality than the one inside my soul.

And pray to a God I loose every day - show me the path to accept and to walk the best walk I know- the one of knowledge and love and faith.

turcoaz

Turcoaz feelings 

wrapped in a cosy aztecs blanket 

feelings of letting go of what clowds my judgement

feelings of freedom and of acceptance.

The black ink that touched the ground and it made my turcoaz feelings drown in the moving sands of an uncertain future. 

Turcoaz soul sometimes hurts.

poarta dintre lumi

Deschid Portile si alerg pana la fantana. Ma arunc in ea si mai ca ma lovesc de tot ceea ce am zis, ceea ce am deschis si sfarsit totodata. Ma rup de la mijloc. Soldurile imi plutesc deasupra celor 2 centimetrii de apa vie, iar umerii si capul s-au blocat sub apa, intr-un mucegai staruitor a tot ceea ce ar fi fost daca. Soldurile se unduiesc. Urechile mi se cutremura. Ma ridic cu greu. Imi lipesc soldurile de corp si ma catar de-a lungul fantanii. La poarta ma asteapta o alta lume. Lumea cuiva drag. Dau sa intru, dar de picior mi se impiedica propria-mi lume. No entry for another world. Un semn clar, ignorat, dar agatat pe poarta. Cineva imi arata piciorul drept. Zambesc si imi mangai lumea, ca pe un terrier un pic suparat de o pisica neagra zarita de cealalta parte a portii. 

a voice from a different world

Your voice when upset hurts my ears for it is a voice of the thousand nights of silence. It is the voice that keeps its dissapointment in line, but still manages to awaken a little self doubt. Your voice that has no rulling, but still makes me weaker at heart, never in spirit. 

Rogvaiv

Linia infinitului e plina de nuante. 

Linia vietii e plina de alb si gri si mult albastru. 

Linia pe care mi-am dorit-o mereu, cea mai imperfecta linie din lume pe care spiridusii se arunca si se dau pe derdelusul ei, intr-o siguranta incerta a celor ce se joaca mereu. 

Caci joaca te pazeste de certitudini, de perfectiune, de rational si de comitment. Joaca este doar joaca. 

O joaca a culorilor sincere, fara nuante, dupa o zi ploioasa. 

swirl de iaurt la capatul unor lumi diferite

Confirmarea unor lumi diferite. Opuse aproape. La limita unui strat de zapada care se ridica intr-un swirl de iaurt si se transforma intr-o inovatie usoara, ca o patinatoare ce sufera mereu de o foame groaznica. Limitele se rostogolesc peste pamantul rece. Lumile se deschid doar in noptile de luna plina cand lupoaicele se aduna si se inchina unui Zeu care urla la soare in lumina unei luni trecatoare. 

Lumi diferite

Liniste in lumea de dincolo. Se cutremura pamantul sub picioare neobosite. Se arunca perspective opuse si se ciocnesc fara echivoc. Lumi paralele ce se ciocnesc precum bilutele de tapioca intr-un ceai prea amar la prima ora a diminetii. Se cutremura lumile. Nu se misca parerile din loc. 

6 stars

a star is a beginning of a beautiful friendship

second star is the one that makes the effort. 

third star is lost in between the clouds 

forth star is denying it all

5th star is confessing it all one way or another 

6th star is the one that stands still and makes my heart sit in one corner of the universe and kindly fill the blanks of emotions unspoken for.

7 th is near the big bang

Ghost of my past life

First 7 days and first 17 days of the year. The echo of my childhood. The limerescence of my mid life crisis in an awaken proposition of antilimerescence. 

I have seen the ghost of my past life and she told me only one thing - you do and feel only what you were meant to do and feel here. 

no ground

Gelosy that has no ground, no keeper and no reason to be. 

shelf

listed in a shelf of isolated thoughts 

that I close in a basket I managed to throw away in the dark of last year's commitment. 

listed in a shelf of unhealed beginings 

a closed shelf of choked emotions, that I finally start to override. 

finally snow

In the snow, where my boys play, 

right close to the land I hold dear

in the snow I undress my feelings of lost, of unclarity, of lack of judgement. 

In the snow I let them, right beneath the snow man, whom my little ones named Salami. It is their laughter, their voices, their hands their smiles and their cry that give me power and guidance. 

In the snow I let my stubborness be. 

intuition

It is my intuition, a feeling I have no understanding for, in day to day life, a feeling that has no reason, no afterlife, no face and no undergoing way to be. 

It is my intuition that drives me. My intuition without exterior motives, without anything else then a feeling.  My intuition I reject and my intuition that every single day has a way to transcend my rationale, my decisions, my no go.  I really don't like my intuition nowadays.  

It really makes me take noncontainable decisions. Non argumentable decisions. It is my intuition versus what I have build for so long. Maybe it is not my intuition. Maybe it is temporarily. Although temporarily it is not. 

lavanda

Flacoane de cuvinte sfaramitate. Se cutremura farmacia in care se prepara gandurile libertatii serene. Lipsa. Iar. Necuvant. Iar. De aceasta data fara a ramane eul meu in tranzitie. Incheie si pune sigiliul timpului. Incheie si intoarce-te spre ce e cel mai important. Lasa-ti cuvintele femeie in rasnita. Inchide-ti zambetul si fa-ti un semn creol pe frunte. Leaga-ti mijlocul de un camp de lavanda si canta. 

7 cai

Alinierea primelor 7 zile din an. Un Cal si o Regina alergati de un nebun trecator si nestatornic. Felii de viata pe o tabla de sah. Margine a firii, predispusa la prapastii nesfarsite de intrebari si de dealuri strepezite de vantul gandurilor neterminate. E sacrificata tura. Striga regele neputincios. Revine calul in cercul de aur. Se intoarce tabla ca dovada a curajului. Si calul ei devine al tau. Si calul meu si-a vazut de drum. Nebunul e prea tanar ca sa stie ce i se intampla, iar tura e deja sacrificata.  Se joaca Regina si calul, calul tau, sau calul ei? 

Un rege sfarsit intre doi cai invinetiti de vant. 

Cordon Olimpian

La poalele noptii, inainte ca luna sa se infasoare intr-o patura pufoasa de nori corelati la realitatea umana, 

La poalele noptii ma rog la zei trecatori, la faramele icoanelor lasate de bunicii mei, la cositor si la soarele apus de mult. 

Ma rog la tot ce ar putea fi in afara mea, pentru ca 

Inauntru privirea imi ia foc, fiinta mi se cutremura, 

Inauntru gasesc forta, aroganta si disonanta pentru orice divinitate concatenata la univers. 

Inauntru m-as pierde inainte sa incep sa inot. 

Inauntru ma duc doar martea, in ora de terapie, la care mai mereu intarzi. 

Inauntru n-am vrut sa ma lepad de nimic, dar nici sa construiesc nimic, 

Inauntru se ascunde un cordon olimpian, creionat sub forma unui stomac mai lung si mai pornit sa arate lumii cum arata stomacele lungi, care ascund cordoane aurii ale zeilor dinauntru. 

Lupii si luna plina

lupi la poarta sufletului meu,

lupi transformati in varcolaci luandu-mi poarta de fier in asalt si apoi fugind schelalaind. Lupi asaltati de emotii prea multe, profunde emotii ale infinitului. Jderi speriati, ascunsi printre crengi, vazand lupii alergand si zbierand la luna, pastrand ceva din aroma sufletului meu floral cu note de lemn si portocale, de multe ori cu gust de ciocolata cu lapte. 

pitici la granita de sus

Intre minte si corp, 

Pe linia ce separa cerul de pamant, 

danseaza pitici imbracati in albastru royal 

cu palarii inalte ce din cand in cand imi gadila 

barbia. Singura care are un strop de credinta infinita.

Danseaza piticii o hora de gorj, o hora scuturata, infundata si neschimbata de ani, 

recicleaza in centrul ei, lacrimi din tinerete, nestemate figurine ale eului de atunci apar pe margine. 

Nu se cutremura, nici nu zambesc. Sunt cum eram demult. Si se sting si se alinta, cum e normal, pe varful palariei la intalnirea cu barbia. Rar piticii imi zbuciuma scurt corpul. O tuse violenta ma surprinde din piept. Au pus de o sarba, ca sa imi trezeasca pieptul si gatul si stomacul. 

Se rupe cercul piticilor straini. Vine momentul sa ii recunosc, sa ii potolesc, sau sa ii eliberez, sa duca credinta barbiei si in restul corpului, nescuturat cu adevarat, de ani.